Do any of these sound familiar?
- I often feel unheard, or that my partner isn’t listening.
- I’m afraid to share my feelings with your partner.
- We often use sarcasm as a way of communication.
These are incredibly common experiences in relationships. It can feel lonely to feel unheard or invalidated by our partner. Unhealthy communication often leads to frustration, unresolved arguments, sadness, or even giving up on trying to communicate altogether. Partners may start seeking other ways to feel heard, or turn to distractions like gaming, staying constantly busy, working excessively, or focusing all their energy on the kids.
Healthy relationships, on the other hand, are built on healthy communication. And the good news is that effective communication isn’t a mystery or an impossible task. Many of us didn’t grow up with strong examples of what healthy communication looks like, so we bring those learned habits (or lack of habits) into our relationships. But good communication is simply a set of skills that can be learned and practiced. Let’s start with the basics.
Emotional safety. Emotional safety in a partnership is essential for effective communication. If we feel that our partner will disregard, dismiss, or mock our feelings, we won’t feel safe enough to share them. Partners need to commit to hearing each other without judgment.
Space. Some of us need time to collect our thoughts and understand how we feel. It’s okay to ask for that time, and for partners to respect it. Creating space allows both people to regulate their emotions. When emotions are escalated, no one is truly being heard.
Commit to listening. If we want to be heard, we need to commit to listening first. It’s common to plan our response while the other person is speaking, but try setting aside your “side of the story” for a moment. Be present. Listen in a way that allows you to reflect back what the other person has said. You will get your turn.
Important to know:
- Couples therapy isn’t just for relationships in crisis—many people seek it to strengthen an already healthy relationship.
- The goal isn’t always to “stay together,” but to make the healthiest decision for both individuals.
- It requires honesty and willingness from both partners to do the work.
You can begin using these tools immediately. For additional support with effective communication, consider scheduling a couples therapy session with Karelyn Abbott, AMFT.