Are you considering couples counseling? Do you deal with the following?:
- I often feel unheard, or that my partner isn’t listening.
- I’m afraid to share my feelings with my partner.
- We often use sarcasm as a way of communication.
Couples Counseling
What common ways these are to feel, or communicate, in a relationship. It can be lonely to feel unheard, or invalidated, by our partner. Unhealthy communication brings about frustration, arguments that are never resolved, sadness or giving up on trying to communicate. Partners may seek other ways to feel heard, or will use distractions from the relationship such as gaming, staying super busy, working excessively, putting all their focus on the children, etc.
Happy couples usually have healthy communication styles. And thankfully, effective communication is not a mystery or an impossible task. Many of us have not had good examples of healthy communication. We bring our learned habits of communicating (or not communicating) into all of our relationships. But good communication is simply a combination of skills that can be taught and implemented. Let’s start with the basics.
Emotional safety. Emotional safety in our partnership is an absolute necessity for effective communication. If we feel that our partner will disregard, dismiss, or mock our feelings, we won’t feel emotionally safe to share how we feel. Partners need to commit to hearing each other’s feelings without judgment.
Space. Some of us need more time to collect our thoughts and to figure out how we feel about something. It’s okay to ask for a moment to process and for our partners to honor that. Allowing this space gives us all a chance to regulate our emotions. No one is being heard when our emotions are escalated.
Commit to listening. If we want to be heard, we need to commit to listening first. It’s not uncommon to plan our reply or rebuttal while the other person is speaking. Put aside your “side of the story” for a moment. Be present and listen in a way that you would be able to repeat back what the other person has said. You’ll get your turn.
You can begin using these tools immediately! For more assistance with effective communication, please schedule a couples therapy session with Gina Schonhoff LSW, or a couples coaching session with Jill and Jamie Gillies.